Interview with a Pirate

Interviewer: “So, Mr. Pirate . . . what is the 19th letter of the alphabet?”

Pirate: “Arr!”

Interviewer: “No, sorry, ‘R’ is the 18th letter. The 19th letter of the alphabet is ‘S’. Next question – Native to South America, this toothless mammal eats ants. What is it?”

Pirate: “Arr. Dvark.”

Interviewer: “No, sorry. While the aardvark does, indeed, eat ants, it also has teeth, and is native to Africa, not South America. We were looking for ‘Anteater’. Next question – Best Dudley Moore movie?”

Pirate: “Arr-thur?”

Interviewer: “Ooh, that’s close, but ’10’ is usually considered to be just a wee bit better. Next question – What kind . . .”

Pirate (interrupting): “Arr! This be no interview, ye mangy cur!”

Interviewer: “Beg pardon?”

Pirate: “This be no interview! This be just a series of pointless questions chosen only for the likelihood of them eliciting a response from me that include the sound ‘Arr’. Ill-conceived and poorly executed, it be no more than a base insult to me and me pirate-friends and, most likely, arises from your sycophantic need to write something – ANYTHING – that has to do with pirates, simply so you can jump on the overloaded ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ bandwagon and pretend to be the slightest bit hip and topical.”

Interviewer: “I see. What kind of socks do pirates like best?”

Pirate: “. . .”

Interviewer: “Argyle.”

Pirate: “Ya’ scurvy dog! Weren’t ye listening to a word I said? How ’bout I just run ye through with me cutlass, then? Arr!”

Interviewer: “Ahh!”

Pirate: “No, that’s ‘Arr!'”

Interviewer: “Ahh!”

Pirate: “Arr!”

Interviewer: “Ahh!”

Pirate: “Arr!”

[Filed Under: Pirates]